Belinda Jane

Memorykeeper. Mother. Maker

I’m a mum

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I had a friend over for a coffee and catch up the other week. She’s also a new mum to a sweet little three month old boy. Naturally we talked all things baby and I imparted my months of baby rearing wisdom to her (yeah, right!). One of the questions she asked me which has been in my mind a lot was “when do they start to feel like they’re really yours?”. My answer? “I’m still waiting”.

There are no words that could possibly describe how much I love my adorable, sweet, funny, cheeky, cute , incredible little girl, Violet. But it still hasn’t really sunk in that she is my daughter and I am her mum. Of course intellectually I know this but on some level it still feels like I’m babysitting someone else’s child… 24 hours a day and 7 days a week for the last 7 months. Which is totally ridiculous.

I wasn’t naive enough to believe that the moment my baby was born and placed into my arms, there would be some epic cosmic shift. That lights would shine, birds would sing and a magical feeling of total love and devotion would wash over me. I know that for some women it happens exactly that way but that wasn’t me. I think the first conscious thought that entered my head when they lay her on my chest was “oh wow, that’s quite a funky smell” and was shortly followed by “she looks a lot like Lee and nothing like me”.  There were so many times in those first few weeks and months where Lee and I would have to remind ourselves “hey, we’re parents now!” It was something of a novelty, when it wasn’t sending me into a hormone driven breakdown of despair for the loss of our old life together, as short as it was.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved her from the start. But it felt more like the love I felt when I first met each of my nieces than the all-encompassing I think I was expected to feel for the truly amazing little creature that I had created (with a small amount of assistance from Lee) carried and birthed. I knew it would take some time for my understanding of reality to shift and for me to really FEEL those feels of being a mother and having a daughter. I just didn’t expect that 7 months later I’d still be waiting for that lights-shining-and-birds-singing moment to hit.

It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot since I was asked that question. When will Violet really feel like mine? When will I really feel like a mum? Where is my big moment? And when I’ve thought about it, the feelings that it has bought out in me have not been good ones. I’ve felt guilty, I’ve felt sad, I’ve felt disappointment (in myself) and I’ve felt failure. I’ve been asking myself, is there some reason that I don’t feel the way that I’m supposed to? Is there a reason that I still don’t have that intense connection to my new role and my new life? Is there a reason that I am still yet to experience that big moment that I hear and see so many other women experiencing?

Is it because mine was an unplanned pregnancy? I do sometimes feel a little bit undeserving of the incredible blessing that has been bestowed upon me with such ease. I feel guilty that there are so many deserving women out there who are experiencing so much heartbreak trying to conceive and  safely deliver their longed for babies. The babies that they have talked about,  decided to try of, planned for and wished for. Surely they deserve it more than I do with my careless accidental pregnancy just a couple of months in to a new relationship.
I don’t think that’s it though.
Although I didn’t plan to have a baby at that very moment, having a child is something that I have always wanted. Even if the timing wasn’t perfect, there is absolutely no doubt that Violet was very much wanted and welcomed with excitement and anticipation and love.

Is it because on some level I wasn’t yet emotionally ready to say goodbye to the carefree and easy jet setting lifestyle I had? Am I too selfish for mourning the loss of that life and the freedom that came along with it?
That’s probably not it either.
I don’t think anyone is ever truly ready for how completely your life changes when  you have a baby. Even when it is something that you’ve been planning for some time. And with such a massive change, it’s only natural to feel some sense of nostalgia, even sadness, at the lifestyle you once had and will likely never have again. I could be totally cliched and say that I’ve gained so much more than I have given up but sometimes, it just isn’t true. But I know that as tough as things may get right now and as bright as my past may seem when I’m looking back on it, it really wasn’t all sunshine and roses and I know in my heart that the best really is yet to come for the future now that I have a family.

Is it simply that I’m too cold and unemotional? Well no, that can’t be right. You can ask Lee and he will tell you without a moments hesitation that I am very emotional. But I do have a tough time connecting with people. I think I always have. Perhaps it’s because I am too introverted and too emotionally distanced.
I actually have no answer for that. I do worry that these particular traits will make me a bad mother. But it’s something that I’m aware of and I think at worst, it may just mean that I won’t be the best mother (which is my own mum, by the way). Even so, I don’t think that can be the reason why I’m still yet to feel those intense mother feels.

Maybe, just maybe, there isn’t actually anything wrong with the way my feelings towards being a mum and having a daughter are developing at all. We (the collective we) accept  that dads won’t feel those strong dad feelings when the baby is first born. In fact I’d go so far as to say that we actually expect that they’re not really going to build that bond and feel those feelings until much much later. You know, when the baby is more “interactive” (seriously, how many times have you heard that?). And while I understand the argument that for women it’s different as this tiny human being was literally a part of our bodies for over nine months. But it’s still a new person, albeit an adorably tiny one, that you’re meeting and are expected to fall madly in love with. Why shouldn’t the same allowances be made for mums?

Although I haven’t had one of those big moments, I have had lots of little moments. Like…
– seeing the way that her face lights up in a smile through the fog of sleep when I first go in to her in the morning. That is a moment that only we will ever share.
– preparing food for her and thinking about how the food that I make for her now is going to influence the way that she eats and the relationship with food for the rest of her life.
– walking past the baby clothing section in Target and seeing all the winter clothes out and realising that Violet relies entirely on me to make sure that she’s dressed in clothes that will keep her warm through winter

It’s these small and relatively insignificant moments (there are many more of them than the three I’ve mentioned) that light a small flame deep within me. In those moments, I really do feel like a mum and I really do feel like she’s mine. And I think that’s ok. There is no one size fits all in life, nor should there be in the emotional journey that is parenthood.

So yes, I am still waiting for the time when Violet really feels like she belongs to me, belongs with me. I know that in time, those feelings will grow and develop and intensify. What I know with absolutely certainty for now is this:
I love Violet with all my heart. She is without a doubt the most amazing thing I have ever done in my life.
There is absolutely nothing in the world that could make me want to be apart from her. Ever.
In my truly dark moments, she is the light that brings me back. She is my reason why.
I think that is more than enough.

Dust If You Must

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Dust If You Must
by Rose Milligan

Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there’s not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world’s out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it’s not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.

I stumbled upon this poem on social media recently and it really struck a chord within me. A while ago I realised that I just don’t cope well if things haven’t been done, when things are untidy and unclean. Lately I’ve struggled more than ever to stay on top of everything. The tidying up, the sorting and organising, the cleaning, the laundry, the shopping, the cooking and the other random things that I have on my to-do list outside of the house. These mundane tasks seem to keep building up and the more untidy and unclean things are, the more anxious I start to become and the less I am able to deal with tackling the “problem” one thing at a time.  And so I let myself get worked up into a horrible state of stress and anxiety. It’s happening more frequently now with Violet and her still very unpredictable sleep schedule and preference for catnapping.

So when I read this poem I felt like it was written as a letter to me. As a reminder that I’m allowing life to pass by without taking the time to enjoy it the way that I should. That I’m spending too much time focusing the things that don’t really matter, and not enough time on enjoying the things that do. And in my heart I know that this is having quite a negative impact on the state of my mental and emotional health.

Now I don’t know how to implement an immediate change, how to let go of things that aren’t really important, but feel important to me. But I do know that I need to try. This is going to be a work in progress. But I think I’m going to start with a simple cleaning schedule and a little bit of daily (or perhaps twice daily) guided meditation with the Headspace app (you can check it out here).

Sick hard drive and the story so far.

I built this website in early 2015. It was not an easy task for someone who had never really worked on anything like this before. It took a lot of caffeine, many frustrated grunts and groans and a lot of swearing. But I did it and I published it and it looked amazing and I was really excited at the prospect of drawing in clients for my photography business.

And then I fell pregnant. A beautiful and unexpected twist in my life. In the space of just nine months I went from having lived alone for 5+ years to having a real life boyfriend move in and a brand new baby arrive. I was really nervous at how I would cope with such enormous changes and happily I can say that I’ve taken it all in my stride relatively well. Oh sure, I have my fair share of emotional outbursts and breakdowns but they’re not all that frequent. Not really.

So all my big bold plans for my photography business and this website fell by the wayside. Until a few weeks ago when I decided that I would like to start blogging. The whole idea of keeping a personal blog still feels a little bit self-indulgent to me but I’m choosing to look at it as a way of preserving memories. For me and for us. If I end up with readers or followers, bonus!

Throwing a spanner into the works though is that a couple of days ago when I sat down to make some minor tweaks to my logo and header, my hard drive appears to be very sick. Almost dead I fear. Fortunately it’s NOT the drive that runs my operating system and it’s NOT the drive that holds all my photos, videos and music. But it is the drive that holds all of my personal files, documents and resources. It’s also the only drive that I’ve never really thought to back up. Silly Belinda. Right now I’m hopeful that some lovely person will be able to take it in and recover all the data for me. Fingers crossed!

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